hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
