If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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