i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
