I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
