I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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