my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
