So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
