Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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