Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
