somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
