apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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