i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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