Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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