i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
She told me I should be a condom model.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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