I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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