I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
false alarm. still invincible.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
