My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
