How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
