I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
