So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
