im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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