Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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