It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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