her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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