Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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