I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
