She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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