Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
