Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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