Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Pants are for mortals
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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