hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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