I am puke
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
