my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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