Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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