If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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