Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
