If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
