awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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