I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
