I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
