guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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