Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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