I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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