Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
