therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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