FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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