Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
