so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
