he shaved USA in his pubs
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
