Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
