It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
